The Frog of Graduation
Dr. Zoidberg
Dr. Zoidberg
Santa Claus: the World’s Worst Serial Trespasser
Santa Claus stands as the world’s most creepy old man. Unfortunately though, Santa Claus is a double sided coin. While he may be a “jolly” fat man, he has a much darker side. Every year, while Santa distributes the gifts children love, he is also breaking into innocent people’s houses and trespassing into what we love. Have you ever wondered why Santa comes only once a year? Out of 365 days in a year, Santa serves all but one in prison. He was caught on various charges, only one of which was breaking and entering. And let’s not even mention what happens to the poor elves which he forcibly subjugates to year-round labor. We tried to get an elf to answer a few questions, but all of them declined an interview, claiming that they just “work there.” We also tried to interview Santa himself, but the prison was not accepting phone calls at that time. The real question that everyone has is: where do the reindeer stay while Santa is incarcerated? After long and tedious investigations, we have absolutely no clue. The only conclusion we can come up with is that Santa Claus is a serial trespasser and an ignorer of animal rights.
Dr. Zoidberg, Kiwi, and nairBalluH
Dr. Zoidberg, Kiwi, and nairBalluH
The Treatment of Turkeys
Recently, the president has pardoned two turkeys gifted to him, Peanut Butter and Jelly. These turkeys will reside in a hotel until they go on to wherever has been designated for them. Until they go to that designated area, they are living better lives than me or the common American. This is deeply upsetting as I have accomplished way more than these turkeys and they’re being honored for just being turkeys. The audacity! As someone who has taken advanced classes since the sixth grade, I feel as though I should be recognized and have a fancy room in a fancy hotel. In fact, every common American with some achievement should be recognized. But alas, that’ll never happen. For now, all us common people will have to honor turkeys saved from the dinner plate.
Dr. Zoidberg
Dr. Zoidberg
Uniforms and All Their Advantages
It’s a constant debate if schools should have uniforms. I for one think they should. Definitely. Well, for one, the students’ uniforms would look different from the teachers’. (Yes, if the students have to suff… I mean enjoy uniforms, so do the teachers.) Many students are taller than teachers so it can be hard to tell who is who. With different uniforms, it would be easier to tell who is who. Uniforms would also repress creativity. There’s no time for creativity at school, so this would provided less distractions. No one would have to worry about dress code anymore either. The school would provide the unnecessarily short uniform skirts and any other attire. Now, instead of spending countless hours trying to figure out what to wear, students and staff would take mere minutes to get ready for the day. The best part of uniforms are the absolutely beautiful monotone colors they come in. Gray, black, dark gray, a hint of white. There’s a whole rainbow of choices. And that, my friends, is why we should have uniforms.
Dr. Zoidberg
Dr. Zoidberg
Dear college that emails me more than my mom texts me,
Please stop contacting me, I have already unsubscribed from your mailing list. I am not interested in your university anymore for a variety of reasons. For starters, my major of choice is not well suited with the courses offered on your campus. I also found it strange how you text me at 3 a.m, asking me if I have decided on a college yet, even though I am not even halfway done with my senior year. The fact that you also found out my social security number and are using it as leverage to get me to go to your college is also strange. My friends also tell me that it is not normal for colleges to send a tiny doll modeled after me to my front porch. I'm going to have to agree with them there as how did you even get access to a photo of me? I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are coming off as super clingy and I think it would be better for the best of us to part ways.
Sincerely, a very concerned high school student.
Sincerely, a very concerned high school student.
The Church of Gerard Way
Hello there. Do you have time to talk about our Lord and Savior, Gerard Way? Wait. You’re telling me you haven’t heard of our religion? Our anthem is Famous Last Words. You’ve never listened to a My Chemical Romance song? What? Well, the chorus is the most memorable part, so you’ve probably heard “I’m not afraid to keep on living, I’m not afraid to walk this world alone.” Our religious text is The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys. It’s not a comic, it’s a holy text, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Join us in worshipping the Father (Gerard Way), the Son (Ray Toro) and the Holy Spirit (Frank Iero). Instead of “Hallelujah”, “Killjoys, make some noise”.
Dr. Zoidberg
Dr. Zoidberg
